By no means appropriate.

Okay.  So with it being summer and all we are at the pool more often therefore giving me a whole lot of highly inappropriate things to discuss with who?  Well, I'm mainly with my kids and I don't want to scar them for life and my husband is a workaholic so it's you.  Sorry.  Stop reading now I'll never know.

1.  There should truly be a weight limit to the bikini.  I'm happy that you are out there getting some sun and exercise that is good for everyone but what isn't good for everyone?  The game of "Is that woman wearing the bottoms?" because your stomach is so large it is spilling over in some horrible muffin top accident that got someone fired I'm sure of it.  and if you are hiding the bottoms of your bikini then I'm quite positive the top is going to be inadequate to hold whatever you've got going on on top!  I'm not saying wear a tent but they have size appropriate swimsuits people otherwise just go naked there will really not be a difference.  Please don't go naked.

2.  There is apparently a new phenomenon on larger women near their upper thigh.  It kind of looks like leg breasts.  I can tell you one thing.  A. It makes my front butt look fantastic!  B. It makes me want to invest in one of those thigh master thingies Suzanne Summers used to try to sell!

3.  There is such a thing as too tan.  A nice golden brown is wonderful and makes one look healthy and full of life.  Too much tan makes one look like some sort of strange leather creature that should be made into a belt or chair.

4.  Teen clusters.  Why is it that when a teenager goes to the pool it is never just by themselves or with a friend?  Why is it always as swarm or herd?  I ask this because they never actually talk to one another they are each on their phones.  Who are they even talking to?  Isn't everyone they know in this cluster? and if not why are they at the pool with these people because these are the people that are seeing their half naked self, don't you think you should at least say hello?

5. Speaking of phones.  What is wrong with people?  You go into a restaurant and look around.  What do you see?  You will see couples each on their own phone typing away.  You might even see a table of people each on their phone.  Have we lost the ability to have a conversation without little smiley faces and acronyms?  First the handwritten letter is gone and now the art of conversation?  Do you know how excited I get when I actually get mail?  It makes my day!!

Ok.  I'm done for now, but I'll be back.  This world is gone crazy and I'm just one little observer sharing my "WHAT ON EARTH'S?!"

Heavy Heart.

I have a heavy heart.  I am typically a pretty easy going fun loving individual that loves laughter and is always on the quest to make people laugh but as of late I am just...down.  I feel like my eyes are going to well up with tears for no apparent reason.  I feel like if given the chance I could start crying and not stop for days.  I feel lonely, alone and overwhelmed.

I need you to understand something.  I have no reason for these feelings.  I am loved.  I have a nice home with a loving family and no real issues to deal with but for some reason I just feel blue.

So, my assignment that I am giving myself today is one that my mother always gives me when I come to her with this issue.  She will say the best way to make yourself feel better is to make someone else feel better.  So, I am going to attempt to cheer up the world around me in an effort to cheer up myself.

I will report back tomorrow to let you know if it worked.

Two peas in a pod.

I have two friends that are married to one another.  They were originally friends by marriage, i.e. the guy in this equation was one of my husband's co-workers, but after that first Christmas party I knew these were some special people.

I want to tell you about them, but at the same time I don't want to make you feel bad about your relationship because it isn't like this one.  Just remember, I am an outsider to this relationship.  As with any relationship, you never know what goes on behind closed doors.  I'm sure they have their issues too but from the outside looking in...it is inspiring.

Both the husband and wife love to cook.  He smokes the most delicious barbecue and she is fantastic at desserts.  If a millionaire would adopt them, they could start an extremely profitable restaurant, I'm sure of it!

Both the husband and wife love to entertain.  They will turn their backyard into a movie night or a giant water slide and invite tons of people over and yes this includes with children, to completely violate their beautiful home without making anyone feel uncomfortable for a spill or a mess.

Both the husband and wife are kind and loving to one another and are equal participants in the running of the household.  They are a team.  They are a cohesive unit.  No task is exclusively one member of this couples responsibility necessarily.  It is inspiring, and refreshing to see.

Too many times we have become so cynical in our own relationships that we make fun of our spouse or speak ill of them to others.  Keep in mind that you are with your spouse a lot more than you are with any other individual and if you were with anyone for a long time they would eventually get on your nerves.

What do I want you to take away from this?  Starting today, if you don't already, I want you to make a point to be your spouse's biggest cheerleader.  Never discourage, only encourage.  Do not even jokingly make fun of something that they do.  Be their largest support and biggest fan.  The world is attacking all of us for not being good enough.  We are trying to live up to an impossible standard daily. Allow your home to be a safe haven for one another where within its walls you are both "enough".

However, this is not a pass to become some sort of sloth.  Take pride in your appearance and always pretend as if you are still dating your spouse.  It won't hurt.

One of the best pieces I ever received was....when you are looking for a spouse look for someone who you don't think you deserve and someone who thinks they don't deserve you then spend the rest of your lives trying to achieve that task.

Summer accessories

Can we talk for a moment about the heat of summer and adding way more productive summer accessories?

I'm a sweater.  Not a lovely winter top, but sweat as in liquid pouring from the very orifices of ones pit and facial type areas.  I'm not so much a pit girl myself but my face?  I genuinely look like I have dipped my face in vaseline the second I leave air conditioning.  I can wipe it off with my tee shirt but it's coming right back so there is really no point except for to make others around me more comfortable.  I too am bothered by looking at a person with sweat dripping down their face when ain't nobody doing jazzercise.

I don't know why I do it.  Maybe it's because I'm a big girl.  Maybe its because my sweat glands are blocked on every other part of my body and this is the only way for the sweat to escape.  Maybe I have issues, I don't know I just do ok stop judging.

I've decided I want to come up with some fashion accessories to alleviate my problem and stop using my shirts as a sweat mop.

1. Towel bracelets.  You could wear one or two.  They would have elastic around your wrist and then the excess would cover your hands allowing your hands to be shaded yet not covered like a glove.  Simply dab the sweat off ones face that then allow the towel bracelet to naturally air dry for its next use.  Available in a variety of colors and lengths, monogramming also available.

2. Towel scarf.  Scarves are so popular these days why not take a towel and cut it into a thin strip then fashion said Towel scarf in the ways that one would use a regular scarf only now the scarf is way more absorbent and suited to dabbing ones face.

3. Towel earrings.  Throw back to the 80's and enjoy these fashion forward face mops.  When not in use these beauties hang pleasantly beneath ones ear gradually pulling your ear lobe to an impressive tribal hole.

4. Retractable visor mop.  Most of the day this fashion fabulous visor looks like your every day run of the mill visor, but wait just pull on the brim and out dispenses a lovely fresh towel to wipe ones brow.  Once finished, simply press a button on the back on your head and the towel retracts within the visor.  Don't worry about germs the visor contains anti bacterial properties to refresh ones towel every time its not in use.

5. Breast air conditioners.  These beauties can be placed in any bra and can be pre programmed to only come on when the temperature under your breasts reaches a scorching 200 degrees.  Another bonus of these wonders is that they will lift and separate all while keeping you cool and dry.  Also available in crotch form.

You think I'm kidding?  Not so much.  :)

Don't be so defensive.

I have a friend that I love.  Wonderful individual, would do anything for you, and is excellent at many things.  If you were to meet this person you may not agree with me.  You might call them cold or snooty.

They're not but if you are the type of person that allows first impressions to be your deciding factor of whether or not you like an individual you are going to miss out on some pretty fantastic friends.  You know, as I type this, several of my friends fit this bio and honestly so do I!  One of my closest friends was convinced that I was a self centered B*$#@, for the first few days of our relationship.

I can't speak for others, but when it comes to me when I am in an unfamiliar situation I'm pretty quiet.  Shocking as that may be to those of you that know me I really am!  I would much rather be the person  busy behind the counter than the person out front greeting people.  This does not make me a B*%$#, this makes me some sort of weird introverted extrovert, but apparently I come across as a B*%$#.

Now, if you are the type of person that allows this stereotype to bother you, you are going to get pretty defensive.  You might even start not liking people that seem loved by everyone or even judging people who talk to you because you might think they are obviously not going to like you and that they will then go and talk to their friends about how much of a B*%$# you are.

You might also start having strong opinions of the way people perform tasks because they did a good job and you are on your defensive high horse knowing that you could have done a good job but no one seems to notice.

Here is my phrase for the day.  DON'T BE SO DEFENSIVE!! We are all on this planet together.  We are all given gifts by the Almighty so that we can work as a cohesive unit.  That does not make one of us better or worse that just makes us all different and that is ok!

People who are doctors love to study hard and make good grades so that they can heal the sick, there are people that love to build houses, there are people that love to play sports there are people who are free spirits and they do whatever job fits their schedule.  What if we didn't have doctors, or builders or bag boys?  What if everyone was a doctor?

My challenge to you today is to go into every situation thinking that no one is out to get you and everyone is your friend.  You will meet some jerks pay them no mind, but don't allow that mindset to fog your happiness.  Life is a wonderful ride and you only get one!  Enjoy!

Think again.

My parents and I were on a trip to a local amusement park to celebrate Father's day.  We had just finished lunch and were waiting for our group to reassemble outside the restaurant.  I was people watching as I often do and a young man was my main focus.  His hair was well past his posterior and it was extremely unkept.  His clothing was of no sort of fashion I have ever seen and the group he was with seemed at best annoyed with him.  I thought to myself how odd he seemed and said so to my dad.  We said nothing further and went about our day.

To end our day we rode the River Rampage a round boat ride with 6 seats, there were 5 in our party.  Anyone want to take a wild guess as to who our 6th person was?  I was horrified because I knew my children had each selected a grandparent to sit with and this individual would be my seat mate.

That's when my big shocker came into play.  HE WAS CHARMING!!! He said Mam and Sir to my parents, he asked and answered appropriate questions, he was a delight to be around.  It wasn't until the very end when he could see his group of friends again that he raised his hand to wave and I was greeted with the blast of BO that would have killed a lesser individual.  As we were leaving the boat, I was gathering children and waiting for my parents, do you know that he stayed behind his group to make sure that my parents got out of the boat safely?

I already attempt with great effort to not judge a book by its cover because you never really know a person until you have spoken with them at length.  This guy was just a reminder of that life lesson and I thought I would share.

Fresh Tasting Cashews.

I was driving on 40 the other day and a truck came up beside me.  It was a famous nut vendor with a lovely delicious photograph of some scrumptious cashews and three words.  Fresh tasting cashews.

Does anyone else have an issue with this description?  Fresh...good, Cashews...good, tasting...huh?

So, they aren't really fresh they just taste that way?

What else are you trying to pull over on us food distribution individual?  Have you ever seen something that isn't really chocolate it is chocolate flavored but there is no actual chocolate in it?  LIARS!!!

Having worked in the advertising world I am well aware of the sneaky ways that are used to make people let go of their hard earned money.

25% off and $25 off a $100 purchase?  Which one do you think is better?  Well, if you are spending $100 they are exactly the same but if you only need to spend $50 and then you buy $50 more to receive the $25 back then you are out $25 that you wouldn't have necessarily spent whereas if you have a 25% off coupon you will receive $12 plus change dollars off your purchase and you go home with more money in your pocket and less stuff that makes you look like a hoarder.

The reason I'm going off on this tangent is that it bothers me!!  Deceit and half truths are still lies!!  Don't be putting buttercream on that lie you are presenting to me because once I bite into that crap your trying to push past me I'm going to realize it.

The thing is though the general public falls for it every single day!!  For 25 cents you can biggie size your drink but if you are eating in you can buy the small drink and get as many refills as you want!!

I'm on to you people!!!
I clearly need to go to bed.